Ignorance Was Bliss

I was reading through some of my old blog entries of Yemen and Samoa and realized that my life isn't as exciting at it was when I lived there. No being attacked by goons with firecrackers, no near-miss kidnaps in Marib, no students writing about the color of their panties. I think that a lot of this can be blamed on the fact that Sonia isn't here with me and she stubbornly refuses to come. I think that Thailand is too rugged for the little princess anyway.

It might SEEM like my life is boring, but I assure you it is not. As I read more of my Anatomy and Physiology book every day, it turns out that my life is really in high mortal peril every minute. It turns out that moving, my heart's continous beating, breathing, and other processes that keep me alive basically all boil down to a few measly Ca+ ions being in the right place in the right time!

Yes, I am learning how even the slightest movement requires a plethora of chemical reactions to happens, ions released and collected, and neurotransmitters being produced and reuptaken. Makes me want to lie on my bed and not move to introduce as little stress as possible and save any space Ca+ ions for the pumping of my heart and the contractions of my diaphragm.

But that's no good, according to the book, because if I don't move then my muscles will atrophy into little puddles. So instead I thought that maybe I should just move as little as possible-- like when I absolutely have to get up to eat, teach class, or make coffee. Which is convenient, because that's pretty much what I do anyway.

No good either. The book has informed me that unless I take in at least 30 minutes of exercise a day, my bones and muscles will decompose into little piles of dust by the time I am 35. Now I've heard all this before, but unlike the previous carriers of this message, I am not being offered a chance to join a gym or buy the latest slim-fast craze. No, my book simply offers in excruciating molecule-by-molecule detail how this decomposition will happen.

So, as a result, I have been jogging every day. Not an easy feat in tropical Thai weather, let me tell you. But I feel better about this workout program then ones in the past. For starters, I don't have to get up to do it, which was the doom of past attempts. I jog at dusk, when I am starting to burn out slightly and even running for 30 minutes seems more appealing then another chapter of physiology. Plus, that's the time that the mosquitoes come out, and I don't think that they are very good at hitting a moving target.

Dang!

My new favorite student 'o the week is Ms. Dang. Dang is pretty incredible. She came here and not only did she not speak a word of English, she was also illiterate in her own language, Thai. She couldn't read or write. (She could, however, say "chocolate". A woman after my own heart.) Talk to her in English and she'd just repeat what you said. Today, she can respond to most pleasantries such as "how are you" or "where's Emmett?" or "is this stuff spicy?" and even "I'm thirsty/hungry/angry/tired." She's worked her butt off and it shows.

Meanwhile, I have been really busy. I have been studying Thai and also working on my prereqs for nursing school. I got my 1100 page Anatomy and Physiology book in the mail (thanks, Sarah!) and I am also taking Chemistry and Psychology. A&P is nearly impossible! During a Thai lesson, Dang sat with us, fascinated, interjecting long strings of Thai. She could not understand that just because I could say "Hello, I am hungry" I couldn't understand long rapid 30-second monologues. To get rid of her, I finally opened my A&P book to the cut-outs of pregnant women and developing fetuses and shoved it at her. That shut her up for the rest of the lesson, flipping through the pages in wonder. She couldn't read the words, obviously, but she was quick to pick up that the drawn pictures of cut-away vaginas and GI tracts were part of her body. I was impressed. Now, whenever I am sitting at the table she'll come up and demand to see the "baby book".

Today she found the section on breathing and circulation and so I taught her how to use my stethoscope to listen to her own lungs and heart. After listening to her heart and mine she went running to her house to listen to the hearts and lungs of all the other girls. I taught her about her pulse and she ran around checking that too. Then I tried to explain to her through gestures about how the cirulation system works (not easy, you try it!) and she got the basic idea. I explained (or gestured, rather) that the heart sped up through lots of movement. She leapt up and started to jump and jog in place so that she could hear her heart go fast. Then she put the stethoscope around her neck and announced that she was a doctor. The pictures are her reading the A&P book and wearing the stethoscope.

Unfortunately, I don't really know what her story is. She only finished 3rd grade, and she speaks Thai, not Burmese. I don't know why she didn't to school-- she should have been able to go to the Thai school. Her family, like all families around here, isn't rich but do seem to have enough money to provide her with a cell phone and nice clothes. They should have been able to handle the school fees. When I asked the others what she was doing while not going to school they said that she was cleaning the house. Cinderella incarnate, I guess.

And the bug of the week is *ba ba bum* FROGS! Yes I know that they aren't bugs but they are everywhere. Little guys the size of a fingernail. Walking around campus I have to watch the ground constantly so that I won't step on them. I can't take a picture because they are too small to focus on. They are adorable and step up from last week, which was large hand-sized spiders.

What are the kids listening to today?

So, once upon I time I worked for this great startup called MongoMusic. They allowed you to make music lists and would then recommend music based on what you liked. It worked really well and I found some of my favorite music at the time there. Then we got bought out by Microsoft. Microsoft promised us that they wouldn't touch a thing about our online radio and then proceeded to not only gut the functionality of the startup but the people who'd they relocated from California to Seattle and proceeded to then fire when they started getting comfortable. (Disgustingly, this plan to "rehire" the people into other places at Microsoft-- because a music analyst is such a hot commodity there-- was announced on 9/11/2001.)

But the radio was still pretty good until they finally threw out the MongoMusic one (whose code, I am proud to say, was given a major overhaul by yours truly and then viewed by thousands daily) and then I left the country and didn't revisit the site since.

I went there today out of curiosity and found that the music radio that had been written by a startup and removed and replaced by some Microsoft creation had then been removed and replaced with code written by another startup. Makes perfect sense, don't you think?

So I've been sampling some of the music clips off Amazon to find something that's worth spending my money on and I'm pretty shocked to discover that all my favorite bands now suck. The Indigo Girl's new album contains not only recycled musical themes from Rites of Passage but actually contains recycled lyrics as well. The latest Sarah McLauchlan album is a *blah* Christmas Album! WTF?!? Even Suzanne Vega let me down.

Where I am going with this:
The reason that I went back to MSNMusic was that I was hoping that they'd finally turned on MongoMusic's recommendation service because I desperately need some new, modern, music. My old heroes have let me down. So please tell me, what are the kids listening to nowadays? If you were a fan of the alternative Cranberries/Sarah McLachlan/Melissa Etheridge type then please shoot me a line to let me know what the hell you are listening to now.

Life's Small Victories

Some of my hard work has finally paid off. After weeks of harassment, my students have finally started to wear their motorcycle helmets. I got two of the male students to wear helmets for a 2km trip to Nai Soi without any fight as all (usually the students just laugh at me when I insist on wearing helmets for this trip) and one of my students, Wanna, knocked on my door to ask if she could borrow a helmet to go to Mae Hong Son. I was so surprised when she made the request that I thought I must have misheard her!

It's just plain common sense. The director of the school has had his health greatly compromised because he wasn't wearing a helmet and was caught in a landslide when driving to town. I would have thought that that would be enough to get them to protect their heads, but they still insisted that helmets aren't needed. I gave them a rather gory and exaggerated version of my own accident and I figured that they were just laughing the silly white girl behind their concerned faces. Apparently not!

"Mr. Malaria" Tun is still symptom free but now he is plagued by some sort of stomach thing. Took me ten minutes and the help of five other students to determine if he was having regular bowel movements or not. I was able to see for myself that his appetite hadn't changed much, but what happens at the other end I could not be a witness to. I'm not too worried because he's eating and other stuff on a regular basis so it's not an obstructed gut. I spent another ten minutes trying to determine it it was a stabbing pain, a cramping pain or a dull ache. After a while Tun just started to just say "yes" to all my questions which pretty much wrapped up my interview. If he's not better by tomorrow we're sending him along with 100 baht to the clinic to let those poor people deal with him.

Fly Away Butterfly

The students interrupted me during class to inform me that a butterfly had gotten caught in a spider web while I was teaching in one of the quasi-open-air classrooms. They coached me as I borrowed an umbrella and cheered when the butterfly flew away. That's really what I love about the school-- the respect for life. The only things that really get killed with a vengeance around here are the mosquitoes. This morning the cats followed me into the classroom and lounged on the students desks. Rather then kicking them off, they carefully placed their notebooks out of the way of the sleeping felines.

Butterflies were the bug of the week about two weeks ago, now it is ants. Ants is a decided step-down, but still an improvement over the previous weeks of the wasps and the termites before that. My favorite remains the few days of the fireflies where sometimes my room would be lit up so brightly by them that I could read in the dark.

Having a few low-key minor crisises. They are irrigating the rice paddies around the school and I am pretty sure that this is causing the water to get shut off from the school. We have large water tanks that hold about four or five days of water and they are getting pretty low. Fortunately it's also been really cool as we head into the real rainy season (what we had before was just practice) so one shower a day is adequate. In addition, we haven't had cell phone coverage in Nai Soi for about two days now. One of the students, Yoom, explained to me that this is because we've had rain for a few days and the cell signals can't get through the clouds. Since we don't have this problem in Seattle I am a bit skeptical of this technological explanation.

The student's language skills are quickly improving and I am trying to get more of a gist of their past histories. I've been focusing on the four boys from Lak Thai. They were here last year and either were, are, or will be Shan soldiers. (Hopefully this will be more clear when they finally nail down the different tenses.) I am just starting to learn about their situations. Tun, the kid with malaria, is a 19-year-old who apparently left his entire family in Burma and hasn't seen them in three years. The kids aren't terribly shy about talking about their families. Yee told me that his father died a year ago because he was old. When I asked him about it he started to laugh and another kid laughed with him, saying “he thinks it's funny that his father is dead”.

And the rains starts up again.

Malaria Shamaria!

Emmett, can I use your shower? And by "shower", I mean a bucketful of malaria water."

- Kevin, one of the new volunteers

Things have pretty much returned to normal. My malaria case, Tun, is up and about and running around like nothing ever happened and doesn't seem to be relapsing or showing any signs whatsoever that less then a week ago he was suffering from a possibly fatal disease. The other three Laktai boys (Aung, Lu, and On) are being closely watched since the four of them celebrated their brotherhood by giving each other tatoos with the same machine-- Tun going first, before he got malaria. So far, so good.

I have decided not to go on antimalarials. Sarah found a really great drug which wasn't hell on your liver and kicks in in two days. The drug is one of the few that is good for the strains of Malaria found in this area, but ironically it can't be bought here. I would ask for someone to send it but with the way that the mail goes here it will be the cold season by the time it shows up. I am still waiting for a chemistry textbook that I ordered six weeks ago. I have had about as much luck with the mail in my travels as Hilter had in Russia.

I did have my first major motorcycle accident and walked away rather miraculously with nothing more then a briused knee. I'm sort of glad that I got this out of the way as it was an inevitiable event. I was heading through an intersecion that had neither stop light nor heavy traffic when a car came out of the mysterous nowhere. I jammed on my brakes but forgot that I was supposed to use the footbreak. Years of riding bycycles and mopeds had trained by reflects badly for a motorcycle. The bike didn't stop and I was faced with the choice of trying to swerve around the car or taking my chances with the curb. I picked the curb. Fortunatly, when I flew off my bike I fell into a think bunch of Thai soft jungle bushes. God did punish me by giving them thorns. I couldn't believe that the bike was okay, with the exception of a broken fuel gauge and a flat tire. Check that one off the list.

Malaria stalks CLC

Today one of my favorite students, Tun, was diagnosed with malaria. The poor kid is burning up and there isn't much that I can do for him. We have him on strong drugs and I can only pray that they are the right ones for him to take (the labels are in Thai.) He's being brave as hell.

It was surprising how sudden the whole thing was. Tun was in my class and doing his normal good work when he suddenly said quietly "Teacher, I'm cold." I thought at first that he was just trying out the grammar point that we've been working on and I was about to say "Very good, Tun! Who else is cold? Lu, are you cold?" when I noticed that he had his shoulders hunched and his hands clenched between his thighs. I touched his forehead and immediately sent him to bed with two Tylenols. When I checked on him about 30 minutes later, he was wrapped up in the 90 degree Thai heat in a winter blanket.

They got his blood tested and gave him some drugs. The label is in Thai but he only speaks Chan. I assigned a smart Thai-Chan speaking interpreter (Yee) and demanded that he take all the pills and get lots of rest and water.

The thing that I love about Tun is that he really smiles with his whole face. He managed to smile at me when I sent him to his room, smiled at me when I made him wear a helmet to go to the clinic, and then smiled at me when he came back from the doctor, so it really broke my heart when he was too sleepy and sick to smile when I checked on him this evening (although he did manage a small one when I asked for my name to check that he wasn't delirious.) I'll try to get a better picture up of him when he gets better, but until then I hope that you keep him in your thoughts.

As for me, I'm debating whether I should go on antimalarials or not.

Hello, Nurse!

How the Hell did you get back here? I flushed you down the toilet two hours ago!

- Me, this morning

Charlotte the giant St. John's Cross spider has vanished. I think that she's dead. The reason I think this is that I have found a bunch of baby St. John's Cross spiders around my room. They are not following in the footsteps of their namesakes by jumping off to parts unknown on little webbed parachutes-- no, these seem to prefer to build their webs in my clothes. When I find them I don't exactly do a somersault and give them a name like Wilber did-- the lucky ones gets tossed outside.

After my week of teaching Health to the class one students, I more or less have become the official CLC nurse. Injured students will either seek me out or avoid me depending on the nature of their injury. One of the volunteers has pinkeye [insert South Park joke here]. One student, Laulang, came to me with what he claimed was a “sick” or sprained wrist. Not broken or terribly swollen, I diagnosed it as a minor sprain and told him not to move it. When he seemed unhappy with my diagnosis I offered to splint it for him with bamboo and tape. He turned me down but still looked so unhappy that I went against the advice in “Where There Is No Doctor” and tried to interest him in a Tylenol, but that was turned down as well.

Sigh came into class with huge sores on his leg from God knows what but I was more concerned about the massive amounts of purple gunk around the wound. After class I marched him down to the shower hole and got him to wash it throughly while trying to find out what he'd put on it. Two bandaids and I pronounced him cured, telling him not to think of putting anything else on the spot. Two hours later, the bandaids were gone and he had no clue what I was talking about when I asked him why he'd taken them off. This time he got bandaids and some bright red electrical tape wrapped around his legs. That seems to have done the trick.

Her Happy Ear

One of my students wrote on her present simple assignment: "My teacher's name is Kim. She is a very smil[e]. She is a tall. She teaches my happy ear."

Yes, her English needs work but that really is one of the nicer things that anyone has said about me.

The school year is in full swing. The boys that were supposed to have ditched us to join up with the army decided to come back after all. Hopefully this was their choice. Most of the girls have gone, and we are left with just two living in the girls house. The boys, sadly, brought back their guitars but fortunately they seen to do work in the morning and save the guitar playing for after dinner when I am not working.

The bugs are still swarming, but I've gotten used to it. Lights go off and the gameboy goes on. They just fly around for about an hour having sex, and their wings come off and then go away as quickly as they appear. I actually sort of look forward to it, isn't an excuse not to do work.

The Lovelorn Tokay Gecko

I have another geckoin my room. I thought at first that this was the same one as before after taking about a wekk to hike back. The new one is about the same size and likes the same hiding places, but after comparing photos I determined that this one is a new one.

This one, however, is a depressed tokay gecko. While the old one had a bright, confident mating call that he would make several times a night, this one has a reather pathetic mating call. He only yells out about three times a night and it has a lackluster feel to it like he's only doing it for the hell of it and doesn't really expect any females to come running. By the end of the call he sort of trails out, like he's thinking "to hell with it, this isn't going to work." I've deicided to let him stay as I feel sorry for it and can relate to it a lot more.

Cave Lod

We had a surprise four-day weekend. The boys went off to Chiang Mai to pick up chicks or whatever guys do and I declined to join them. Instead I decided to take off for Cave Lod, which is one of the largest caves in the world. I have been to two different countries that are allowed to boast about the quality of their caves, so it was a bit embarrassing that aside from swimming though short lava hole in Samoa I hadn't been to one yet.

Cave Lod is one of the places that is remote enough that the prices very near reflect the prices advertised in my ten-year old Thailand guidebook. To get there, you hop an hour-and-a-half bus to Sappong and then catch a motor taxi to Tham Lot, an area rich with caves and interesting geographical sights. I checked in grabbed my flashlight and turned right around to find the cave, despite the numerous warnings that no one should try to enter the caves alone.

Cave Lot is unique is that there is an entrance and an exit, and the cave is massive enough that the ceiling is almost never in sight of anything except a very high-powered light. It's like a 1.5 km long cathedral. There is a river running though it and I figured that it would be an easy hike. Follow the river and if I was feeling brave I could take a side-trip to see one of the side chambers. I was feeling cheap and opted against hiring one of the 150 baht guides (about 5 dollars). At the end of the cave you can see the birds flying out and the bats flying in-- or vice versa, depending on if it is morning or evening. I figured that I would be through the cave an about an hour, birdwatch, batwatch, then be back in time for dinner. Big mistake.

You see, the thing about large caves is that they aren't linear paths that go from point a to point b. They are like little mountainsides in pitch black, and even if they were filled with floodlights it would be possible to lose the trail. After about 30 seconds of stepping into the pitch black I realized that I had no idea which way I had come from. I turned off the flashlight and after a few moments I could see the hazy light coming from the entrance and a brighter light coming from a group of people who had decided that the 150 baht was worth it. I should have left the cave, but instead I flipped the flashlight on and dashed after the group, thinking that I could stalk them-- or at least stalk their light.

A pathetic Thai excuse for a bridge

I nearly ran right into the river that crossed through the cave, and ran my flashlight over it before I saw the outline of a bamboo bridge. I managed to get to the bridge without slipping on bat guano and dashed up a rickety staircase and caught up with the group just as they were admiring a cave paining. No pictures, I am afraid-- it was to0 dark for my camera to get a light reading. In the cave one lost all sense of direction and which way was was up and down. While you are groping around in the dark you become very aware of the tons of rock that is over your head. I think that the scariest part was knowing that if something did happen to me and I was not able to cry for help it would be a long time before I was found. One of the most striking things that I have found about the third world is that no one takes the normal measures to keep their guests safe. You have to rely on your own common sense-- a sense that itn't very well taught to Americans.

The group came back from the chamber-- I was skulking guiltily behind and for some reason they decided to head back. Stupidly, I headed towards the other side of the cave and discovered after a long thirty-minute search that there was no bank next to the river to walk on. Faced with the choice of wading in an unfamiliar river with a non-waterproof flashlight, I decided to head back. It was still one hell of a humbling experience, being in such a magnificent and dangerous place.

Tokay Geckos are a pain in the $#@

Thanks to some detective work on my mother's behalf, I have found out that Charlotte the spider is a non-poisonous St. Andrew's Cross Spider and that the amphibian that I found was identified as a Tokay Gecko. Thanks, Mom!

Charlotte, I read, gets her (and it is a her) name from the cross pattern that she adds to the web. The cross adds an ultraviolet sheen to the trap, which is the same type of light used by flowers (although for a less violent cause) to attract bugs. Tokay Geckos are the largest type of gecko and are known for their beautiful markings and surly nature. They are known to bite, draw blood, and not let go unless submerged in water. Wonderful. This little nugget of information came in very handy at one in the morning, as you will see.

So for Mr. Tokay, he's proving to be a bit of a problem. According to Wikipedia, the "chirp" is actually called a "bark", which is a lot better word to use because it really is quite loud, and the barking has been happening more often, about ten times a night in roughly half-hour intervals. I finally jumped out of bed last night to chase him away and found that he'd discovered a Mrs. Tokay and was probably serenading her, or perhaps they were signing duets. Whatever the reason, I couldn't sleep and chased them over the wall of my room with a broom. (The wall doesn't meet the roof.)

A few minutes later (right after I crawled into my bug net, actually) they were back in full force. We played tag for about an hour before I finally gave up and let them bark at each other for the rest of the night. At first the thing would run when it was poked it with the stick, but eventually it was like "Yeah, right, whatever bitch. You ain't gunna do nothing. AW-AWK! AW-AWK!!!"

The next morning the other volunteer, Emmett, found the larger one hiding behind his bookcase. Mafia-style, we shoved it into my suitcase with a stick and took it far, far, far away and ditched it the little fucker where it can bark all night-- or perhaps hike back.

Beautiful Stranger

I've been woken up almost every night for the last two nights by this weird and very, very loud chirping sound. Since it was the middle of the night I'd generally dose off and forget about it. Then one morning I heard it and realized that it was coming from behind some of my clothes and pulled them aside to find this beautiful fellow. The bricks that he's on are the size of normal bricks, so he's probably about a foot long. First I explained to him that he couldn't live in my room but he wouldn't leave. Looks like I have a new pet. (I wish that I could record his voice but it's pretty erratic when he sings.)

Charlotte

This is Charlotte, the rather large yellow spider that I have to walk underneath every morning when I leave me house. I have seen her a few times in different locations on campus (I like to pretend that it's all the same spider.) No special zoom lens needed here, BTW. She's a bit bigger then my palm (legs and all) but I wasn't about to get close enough to put a penny next to her for scale. Depending on your monitor settings, this picture is more or less full scale. See, I wasn't kidding about the bugs!!

The New Computer Lab!

And withut further ado, please let me present the (ta da da da...)

New Computer Lab!

(Roof by the Brackett Foundation. Floor by Child's Dream. And walls by Sabrina 'n Co.)

(FYI, I didn't feel the quake all.)

Bugs

I've been evicted from my room for the second night in a row due to the Swarming of the Termites. The damn things hatch and then head for the nearest light source. This always seems to happen at night, and any light source will do-- even a gameboy. When I got back to CLC I noticed that the family who live here were leaving a classroom light on at night and I was disapproving of the waste of electricity... now I know that they were only doing it to drive away the bugs from their place. They seem to like computer monitors as well as crawling on sweaty, human skin, so my options are limited... deal with the bugs by sitting in an empty classroom reading or go to sleep at 7:30. This isn't helping me get over jet lag, I will say that much! It really is like some sort of Hitchcock movie.

The rainy season here really brings out all sorts of nasty things that I thought were confined to horror movies. My room is so bad that I have allowed the spiders to live in it provided that they spin thier webs above my head. There is one spider on my porch (can't get a good picture of it) with a body as big as the first two knuckles of my pinky and shows off all sorts of delicate shades of green and yellow. Hope he stays put because he just screams poison. I killed another spider that looked like a prop from a grade-school production of "Charlotte's Web"-- easily visible from even the back row.

All of a sudden shivering at night during the cold season doesn't seem all that bad.

What a Trip

FINALLY got back to Nai Soi. I do not recommend trying to go from Bangkok to Nai Soi in a straight shot. I left at Tuesday 2:40 Seattle time, and finally walked into my room at Friday 9AM Thai time (That is about Thursday at 7PM) And I was lucky to get that! About 32 hours of the 52 hours was spent traveling, 20 was spent waiting in various stations for various buses, and none of which was spent actually sleeping. Anyway, I am here, I am in my room (after spending an hour evicting the bugs who assumed that I wasn't coming back and 24 hours sleeping).

I'm not actually as thrilled to be here as I thought I would be, for some reason it was a lot harder to leave Seattle then it was the last two times that I went. I commented to Sarah while we drinking my last good cup of coffee in Seattle that I was actually a lot more nervous about traveling and a lot more reluctant to leave then I was-- which was odd, since I had a great situation that I previously couldn't wait to get back to. When the plane flew over the needle, I actually started crying. I figured that all would be well once I got home, but for now I am itching to mark December on my calender, and I feel eager for classes to start just to find out how badly I am needed-- and how soon I can leave. Hopefully this is just due to being here and having nothing to do and will pass once the students actually arrive. If not, I have a feeling that this is going to be a real quick trip.

My room in Nai Soi was a mess. I was a little worried on the way up that after 5 weeks someone had broken in and helped themselves. I undid the lock and first noticed that everything had been left untouched. About five seconds after that, I thought that perhaps it would have been better if someone had broken in and at least disturbed the dust a bit. The most disturbing thing was that there were about five or six large evacuated termite nests. The termites were gone, thankfully, but they left behind their calling cards-- thousands of little two-inch wings that are shed after they come out of their eggs and have sex. I ran into the fuckers during Chiang Mai-- one night the room was covered in so many flying insects that they blocked out the light that I was trying to read by. From what have heard this is a common occurrence during the rainy season in Thailand so I am sure that I will have lots of chances to photograph this phenomenon. At least someone is getting some in this room.

Just as I got my room to a sleepable state my boss, Kyaw Hlu Sein stopped by for a chat. I told him that I hadn't slept for three days but that didn't seem to phase him much as he pulled up a chair. What is wrong with these people? The nice guy who gave me a ride did the same to me as well-- after I got into his car (I have to admit that he was doing me a favour) I told him that I had been traveling for three days and I was tired but this still didn't stop him from give me a tour of his house and making three stops so that he could play “show off the foreigner”. Anyway, Kyaw wanted to go over the academic program for the next nine months so I threw him out of my room as gracefully as I could and passed out. I don't think that I offended him too badly because he was at my door at 9AM the next morning.

Welcome home.

The Prodigal Daughter Returns

Despite the truly heroic effort made by Mr. Rob Richardson in Portland, and due to the massive slabs of plywood shoved up the rectum of every Immigration officer in Thailand, I am back in Seattle.

First let me make it clear that I AM returning to Thailand, I have a round trip ticket and I am going back early May. I got my year-long visa (again, thanks to Rob), but the Thai athorities insisted that I could only activate the visa with a trip from America rather then jumping across a Thai border like a normal country would allow. I figured that this was God or Whoever telling me that it was about time for me to go back and see my loving friends.

Right now I am living in my home away from home (or perhaps just my home since I don't really have a home to be away from), AKA Sarah's basement. I came back after being away from two years to find "my" room all ready with fresh towels, clean sheets (pulled back), and a few books on Thailand freshly checked out from the library waiting for me by the bed. Not bad considering that I only gave Sarah roughly 24 hours notice that I was coming! (Sarah, if you are reading this, you forgot the mint on the pillow. I expect to find it next time.)

I've been about four days without sleep (I am not kidding on this, I will try to tell the story soon) so I am going to pass out. Just wanted to let you know that I was in Seattle so that you could clear up your social calenders for April. See y'all soon at Matt's party in my honour.

Chiang Mai

So the school year is over, and in the meantime I am living in Chiang Mai and will hopefully be teaching English for money. I actually have in interview in an hour and a half.

I got here on Thursday and spent the first day looking for work. I forget how humiliating the job walk can be. There you are, dressed in your best clothes wandering around and trying not to sweat very much. You find an TEFL place, and you walk and grinning like an idiot-- but not grinning TOO much because you want to look friendly but not desperate. Hand in your resume, the person looks you up and down with a nasty look and a fake smile and you get the feeling that you are applying for their job. They hand you an application like its a huge problems (your smiling pleasantly the entire time) and then you sit down outside (they never let you sit in the office, God forbid) and fill it out, although all that information is already in my resume. Then you turn the application in and they drop it in a drawer and give you a look like "Are you still here?" Note to secretaries and administrators: it would kill you to poke through the resume and ask a few pointless questions.

I got one interview on the spot and another interview a few days later. I got the first job but the are still working out the classes for next week, so I might have to go with this second job. Hopefully I will be teaching tomorrow.

Chiang Mai is terrifying. If Pai is Santa Cruz, and Mae Hong Son is Palo Also, then Chiang Mai is a mix between Seattle and LA. It's got a Seattle flavour because there are coffee houses everywhere, on every corner, screaming that they have mochas, espresso, etc. There is even a few Starbucks. I haven't gotten a frappichino yet, however, due to the fact that the cost of the drink is twice the amount that I pay per night at my guesthouse and also twice the amount of my average daily living expenses. It's about 200 baht, or about six dollars. It's funny how skewed your perception of money gets. I would never pay more then 150 baht (about 5 dollars) for a meal here, and in Seattle a comparable meal is around $20. Anyway, I have gone into Starbucks on more then one occasion just to sit and smell. It really does feel just like home (or smell like it anyway).

Yesterday I also found the mall. They have a movie theatre, a sushi place, Pizza Hut, KFC, Duncan Donuts, Hagan-daz, etc... Three floors. I just wandered around in a daze. They didn't even have stuff like this in Sanaa, Yemen, and quite frankly I was scared out of my skull. You could buy anything in the world and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball somewhere. There was a fashion show and music was being blasted everywhere. I couldn't believe that I used to go to places like that on a regular basis and think nothing of it.

My room in the guesthouse is quite literally the size of Jake's place in the Blues Brothers, although I have my own bathroom. I also have my own freaks who live downstairs, including an older fellow who sits and smokes all day at the same place at a table. I have not seem him move, eat, drink, just smoke. It's very chilling to leave in the morning and see him there just to come back eight hours later and he's still there like a wax statue. I also talked to a guy last night who told me that he was Israeli. After my initial wave of distaste, I yelled at myself for being a racist and tried to talk to him with an open mind, as one being to another. As a reward I found myself being lectured five minutes later for living in Thailand for three months and not speaking the language. I finally turned away to talk to the French guy next to me after being given an impromptu vocabulary test on Thai words that he thought I should know. My stereotype of Israelis, alas, lives on.

I think that I will enjoy living here, it will be a nice vacation.

End of the Year

So, the school year is over and I experience of mixture of happiness and sadness and uneasiness, something that I think that any teacher can understand. It's happy becaues the damn kids have finally gone home and I don't have to listen to their screeching out Thai love songs on the guitar at 10 o'clock at night. It's sad because the students are leaving and many of them can not come back. A few can't come back because they finished the program, but most of them aren't returning because of the situation in their homes.

A handful of students in my most basic English class aren't coming back because they are joining their tribes army. I didn't realize when I started teaching them that they were just getting a break from toting guns around. At this moment you are probably thinking that they are all a bunch of hardened soldiers, with stone faces and cold eyes. Not at all. They barely look like their ages, which range from 18-21. Most of these kids are baby faced, thin, and very polite. (They are also the ones that like to play the guitar. To hell with guns, these kids should just mass on the border and sing. That would drive everyone away. I swear that even the mosquitoes keep their distance.)

The kids in my second class come from the refugee camps and I am not sure if I will be seeing them either. There is a new rule that I don't understand, but I will do my best to try and explain, so don't quote me here. Apparently if you live in a refugee camp you can either become a full-fledged refugee and accept a UNHCR card. If you do this, you can't leave the camp but you get an opportunity to go to a “third country” (a country that isn't Thailand or Burma). When and where you leave is uncertain.

We are trying to get permission for the kids in the camps to be able to attend CLC even if they choose the UNHCR card, so their future at CLC is a big maybe.

The other option for refugees will be to take a Thai ID card which will allow them to live anywhere in Thailand-- anywhere except the refugee camps, which for most kids is the only home that they have known. Plus they are not full Thai citizens, so they get all the racism that comes along from being Hill Tribe and not having a Thai passport. They also won't be able to leave Thailand, a country where their prospects are pretty grim.

Which would you choose?

Class 1 Memorial Toilet

The provisions for the Class 1 Memorial Toilet came today-- the results of much work writing proposals, buying shit in town and basically learning about what it takes to do a long term project. Here we are showing the stuff off-- we have Nehneh, E-e, Moe, Mow, Yoom, Morn, Prae and Rosy crammed around the pipe, roof, tank and toilet that will soon grace our campus. Oh yeah, and that's me in the back but you probably guessed that. No, I am not standing on anything. The girls are just really that short.

After this excitement I just needed to get away and calm down so I took Chopper for his first long ride (with me, anyway.) Chopper is my new bike, see below. It's a lot different from riding Zelda-- he has gears that are manipulated with my foot and the most scary part is the foot brake. This is scary for me because I am so used to hand brakes after 31 years of riding bikes and scooters-- I just know that my panic reaction will be to grip the hand brake which has about a tenth of the stopping power of the foot. But I practiced for about an hour and I think that I am getting the hang of it. There is a 20k road leading to the school (this is why I needed a bike) that was made for a motorbike. It's full of twists and turns and the most beautiful scenery that you can imagine. Thailand was made for two wheels.

It's a Chopper, Baby!

Well, I've done it. I have officially entered Thai society (albeit a touch prematurely-- don't have that visa yet) by buying my own moped. Yes, it's used and it may be as old as I am, but it's mine. His name is Chopper (I was going to name him Zed but then realized that no one would get it and I would just be dating my self for those who would-- do you realize that Pulp Fiction is TEN years old?!?) and he's a 100cc Honda dream. Ugly as hell, but as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And the fact that I hold 'er makes Chops the most beautiful bike in Thailand. Here's our picture-- you'll notice that I chopped off my hair to complete the butch dyke biker look.

Other then that, things have been pretty quiet. Still have a slight hangover from my visa run in Mae Sot this weekend. There has been a lot of shady security stuff going on. For starters, there has been a ton of helicopters buzzing CLC. Kyaw says that he likes it when they are flying around because it means that they feel safe enough to fly-- if there is fighting, they don't show up. In Mae Sot, there was a lot of stuff going on. Mostly the NGO workers were being harassed because two "activist tourists" were protesting on the Myanmar-Thailand "Friendship" bridge (the bridge I cross to get my visa) and then vanished, causing the Thai authorities to do a door-to-door looking for tourists. This has wreaked havoc in the volunteer community of Thailand, and I am terrified that it might jeopardize my visa!

See, morons like this really mess things up for people that are trying to do real work. "Activist Tourists" (a group that I belonged to in my Palestine days) are my new public enemy #1. These are the people who show up in a hot spot for a week or two, take a few pictures, get arrested, and then go back bragging about what a hero they are (sound familiar, Dylan and Sarah?). As good as their intentions might be, they really just fuck things up for people who are trying to do real work in these countries, and make it harder for us to get in and out and extend our visas.

Finally, the other bizarre thing is the forest fires. Sorry, I don't have a picture but it seems that half the jungle in Thailand is on fire. The locals (most of which who live in bamboo huts that would go up like a matchstick) aren't very concerned about it. They seem to just shrug and nod when the fires are pointed out. Today there was a fire on the other side of the road. I don't think that they are set, I think that they are natural. And it isn't even the hot season yet! Thank God that I live in a brick house with a metal roof, although I am still pretty worried about the school and the people who sleep under the leaf roofs!

Jennifer's Photo Montage

We recently had a guest, Canadian photographer Jennifer Roberts, who stayed with us for two weeks and took a lot of pictures. I thought that I would put a few up here.


This is my house. I live on the right, Sabrina on the left. The little table is where I do all my lesson planning. Nice, huh?

CLC in the morning, before the fog lifts. This is looking down from my house towards the kitchen.

CLC from the road. My house is on the top right with the gray roof. We are the only ones with a metal roof, everyone else has leaf roofs.

I am the one in the red shirt. I am teaching class 2 and we are playing 20 questions.

Teaching class 3. It's the smallest class and I only had about half my students this day. It's an early morning class, which explains my sweatshirt and long pants!

We are playing "human knot" as a warm up. No, it doesn't have any English (other then "go under, go over") but the kids love it!

Safe, safe, safe

Hey there,

Thailand has been a lot in the news recently and some of you have expressed concern. Don't worry, all that stuff is far in the south and has nothing to do with me. It is safe as ever up here in the north!

Wat Doi Kong Mu

Yesterday, I had a Very Nice Day. This is not a particularly rare occurrence here in Thailand-- I still love the place. But yesterday I had one of those days that reminds me why exactly I love the place.

The day didn't start out too nice. I woke up nursing a slight hangover from the previous night when we went to town to have a small three person goodbye party for one of the volunteers, Jennifer. Jennifer was a photographer who stayed for two weeks. Since there wasn't exactly a bar in Nai Soi we settled for buying cokes and whiskey and sitting next to a rice paddy hiding from the students. Anyway, the next morning (a Saturday) one of the students decided that it was a good idea to belt out a few Thai pop songs at the top of his breath while playing the guitar at eight in the morning.

I was unhungover by around one I left around two o'clock to do some shopping in town and meet some friends. My shopping was done in about two hours and I had five hours to kill. I decided to spend the time visiting one of my favorite places-- Wat Doi Kong Mu. This is a temple that sits atop of one of the mountains that surrounds Mae Hong Son, and is a devilish hike but a beautiful place to visit. I try to make a point of climbing up every time that I go to Mae Hong Son.

I was very proud because I only needed to rest four times on my way up. The climb only takes about a half hour to forty-five minutes, but it's a very strenuous climb. You can get about halfway up via a steep staircase that starts the pilgrimage. There is a temple at the base of the hill that is connected to the Was Doi Kong Mu, and the minute you enter the grounds it slopes upwards so by the time you even get to the first step of the stairs you are slightly out of breath. By the time you pass the second set of guardian dragons, unless you are in very good shape, you are generally starting to huff and puff and you wonder why they even bothered putting up guardians. The climb alone should be enough to deter any evil spirit.

The mountain steepens about halfway up and the stairs give way to a switchbacking path that heads up at about a thirty degree angle. There are little resting houses over now and then, and the first time I made use of each and every one of them. Before this path, there is a little shrine where you can take a look around and decide if it's really worth going on. The first time I was there, there was a group of novice monks who kindly showed me that I should hai at the statue and demonstrated. (Hai is when you put your hands together in greeting.) After I mimicked they hopped up again and indicated that I should now offer money to the metal statue, demonstrating this with a twenty-baht bill that they undoubtedly got from the last tourist that came this way. I declined, having a feeling that the money was more likely to go to sweets in town.

The kid monks (novices) at this temple are a trip. There are four in particular that I have gotten used to seeing. Three of them are skinny little Thai kids and the fourth is a fat little buddha who gives a clue to why the other three are so skinny. When I first saw the kids (how I wish I had had my camera) they were playing a game of tug-of-war. The three skinny kids were on one side of the rope, pulling with all their might, and the fat monk was standing on the other side holding the rope with one hand and looking bored.

Anyway, after a rest I headed up to the switchbacking path for the final push. It's a lovely path, and generally deserted. The first time I was huffing and puffing it and thinking how couragous I was to be doing what so few dared to do when the little monks dashed past me, running and laughing and generally killing the mood. After about ten to twenty minutes on this path, you finally get to the stairs that go to the top.

So why do I force myself to do this every week? Well, the reasons are fourfold. The first is the view. You can see all of Mae Hong Son like you are in an airplane, spotting the roads that brought you here and the different temples and shop that you frequent. If you are lucky, you can see an airplane land or take off at Mae Hong Son airport, cruising in many feet below you.

The second reason is that it is my opinion that the only feeling rivaling that of an orgasm is the feeling of Not Climbing after one has been climbing strenuously for the last half hour. I dragged myself over the final step and landed with a thump at a local bench, fanning myself with my wide Thai-style woven hat. The first time that I came up I was embarrassed to see a gaggle of tourists wandering around without an ounce of sweat snapping pictures and wondering why they weren't as tired as I was. I did a quick walk and discovered that they hadn't walked up-- there is a road leading up the back of the mountain, and everyone other then me had driven. Which leads to the third reason-- I get to sit around smugly sneering at the pristine tourists and think to myself no one (other then the monks) has more of a right to be here then me.

Finally, this is my favorite temple because in addition to the view I think that it is the nicest temple that I have found. Unlike the birdshitty temples in Mae Sot, this one is kept up and the shrines and Buddha images are lovely. There's a nice market around the back and an ice cream vendor who is starting to know me by sight. Also, this temple seems to draw more then it's share of actual worshipers rather then tourists. At any time there are people circumnavigating the two chedis (towers) and meditating in the main temple building containing the principle Buddha image. I think that they easily outnumber the tourists. Very much worth the climb.

A Very Nice Day Indeed.

An Important Milestone

Well, after almost six weeks it's finally happened-- the girls are letting me help in the kitchen. For anyone that has lived with a family in a foreign country you know that this is a big deal. When I first got here, I couldn't enter the kitchen without the students tripping over themselves to discover what I so deperatly required that would actually bring me from my palace at the top of the hill to their dusty domain. Now when I enter, they barely look at me. I go to take over a chore and they hand over the spoon or the knife without comment and, more importantly, with out objection.

It's not easy helping in the kitchen-- you have to develop a sort of sixth sense and a great memory. You have to remember that after the pot is removed from the stove they need a big bowl for that dish and a small plate for this dish... that for some of the food, they need two dishes-- one to go on the table and another to be stashed on the shelves behind you. I am sure it would be a lot easier if I could understand their Thai mumblings but I have finally gotten to the point where I can join their dance without totally fucking things up.

Working in the kitchen really brings out the fact that this community of about 20 kids between the ages of 17-21 basically rule themselves. There is one adult (Rosy's aunt) who lives on the campus (I guess I should count myself in that count, since I am a ripe 31) who, as far as I can tell, has very little need to govern the community. Students take turns waking up at 6AM to make breakfast, sweep the campus, and take care of the various spirits that reside here. This is before they attend classes (for the most part I have a perfect record), do their homework, and contact with their families back in refugee camps and villages. Most of the absences that occur are because people had to go back home, not because they decided they needed a day out in Mae Hong Son. In addition, as far as I know there had never been a major fight between two students-- and if there are any ongoing conflicts then they are well hidden.

At Scattergood we had a disciplinary committee, a group that was trained to deal in conflict management, weekly meetings, advisers, and countless other things that were needed for the school to run smoothly and prevent conflict. Here those things aren't needed... they just happen because they need to happen for everyone to be happy. It's really incredible.

The Week in Review

Other then the visa run, I haven't been very good at updates. Let me fill you in on what has been going on in my life over the past week.

29-30 January

My patience and serenity obtained from the temple that I spent the weekend at finally wore out after the fourth straight hour of being unable to teach a group of 9 students how to form a wh-question with do (ie: What do you eat?)

31 January

I officially told Kyaw (the founder of the school) that I wanted to stay for one year. I can't remember if I told the blog about that. Aside from my visa not coming through (a definite possibility) I am stuck her for the next eleven months, and I am very happy about that.

1 February

The town of Ban Nai Soi was very excited about an upcoming festival that they spent the week preparing for. This was the first day of the two-day celebrations. The festival was held at the local Wat (temple) and was some sort of annual Buddhist thing that we were never able to figure out. At first we thought that it was the new year, but later learned out that the people who said “yes” when questioned on whether it was the new year or not just didn't know what we were saying.

However, the highlight of the event was that five girls from CLC were performing in the Karaoke Contest. E-e was singing and Morn, Nehneh and two other girls that didn't attend CLC were dancing. They were quite good and we were very proud when they made it to the finals and won fourth prize. I was also proud of myself for sitting through thirteen identical performances before they went up which made me very glad that I didn't have kids (for whom I would have to sit through 14 years of similar garbage). All has the same format-- there were four girls in each corner and a singer in the middle. The person would sing their Thai pop song and the girls would wiggle and gyrate to moves that they were generally too young to know. The first prize was well deserved (sorry E-e and Co) when it went to a group of girls who paraded out wearing haltertops and hot skirts and threw their bellybuttons around for the entire Temple to see. I felt very sorry for the poor monks who were peeking out from the monetary dorms. No it was not the haltertops and hotskirts that earned them the prize, it was the fact that they did something different then gyrating but actually making their arms the most active part of the act and not looking like they were dragged out of bed at three in the morning to perform.

The judgment of the contest was partially from a few judges and partially from the number of paper necklaces that the dancers each won. How to “win” a paper necklace? Well, you could buy a mess of the things and throw them on the necks of the dancers in a custom that might have been imported directly from Samoa. This meant, of course, that it was the richest performers (or rather, the performers with the richest friends) who would win the “popularity prize”. All the CLC people scraped together what we could, but the collection that we were able to hurl onto stage pathetic in comparison with the other kids. I felt justified when the winner of the popularity prize didn't make it to the finals.

2-3 February

Visa run (see next entry)

4 February

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

5 February

Today the girls gave their presentations that I asked them to write, and I was very proud of them. I took a $100 donation that I received from the lucrative “Let's scam MALI on the price of the plane ticket to Thailand by editing the email in Word and inflating the price” fund and told them that they each had to write a proposal of how to spend the $100. Whoever had the best and most useful proposal would get the money. They worked in groups of three and I listened, pen ready, about to write down the million things that each proposal was missing. I was very impressed when I found that there were few holes in their proposals (aside from the fact that I knew that their price predictions were probably bogus). I was so proud of them when they presented a history of the problem, why the problem was a problem, what their solution was, and why the solution was needed.

Aside from the quality of the reports, the highlight was that Thai speakers have a difficult time pronouncing “v” and so I spent the whole hour feeling like I was watching Pilate from “Live of Brain. First I had to suppress my giggles as Rosy stood up and told us why we needed a “wegtable garden” that would supplement our vegetables requirements. After this I got to find out why a “wollyball court” would help with the happiness and the health of the students. Hearing the proposal about the need for an additional bathroom wasn't quite so amusing, but probably the most needed.

6 February

Who knows? This place is full of surprises! Stay tuned!!

Make a Run for the Border!

Because Thailand doesn't have an embassy or a councilate in Yemen, I was forced to get a regular 30-day visa when I entered the country. Thailand's visa extension rule is simple: you have to cross a border before your visa runs out, and when you do you get an additional 30-day stamp. You used to be able to do this as many times as you wanted, but they recently put a new 90-day restriction in place (more on this later). Even with the new restriction, “border-runs” are part of the Thai Expat way of life, and I got to experience it for the first time this weekend.

(Note: As most of the time during this adventure was spent in a car, the pictures on this site are from Mae Sai, a Thai-Burmese bordertown that I had to get to to get the stamp, and have no relation to the story. Also, if you are reading this because you need to get a Thai visa extension from Pai or Mae Hong Son, then I encourage you to read this.)

My two options were Mae Sai, a border town about 9 hours away from Mae Hong Son, or Mae Sot, another border town (the place where I first arrived-- you remember, good food and bird-shitty temples) that is about 16 hours away. At first glance the choice seems obvious, but my experience was so lousy getting to Mae Sai that I am going to take the extra hours on the bus next time I have to go through this BS.

First, we had to get to Pai. I never wrote about Pai, but I will say that I spent one night there and it is competing with Mukulla, Yemen, as my least favorite town in the world. It's the Hard Rock Cafe of Thailand-- carefully set up to give tourists the impression of what they think that Thailand should be without providing the inconvenience of actual Thailand. The striking thing about the town is that the only Thai people are selling things on the street-- selling things that no self-respecting Thai person would actually wear (aside from the people who are selling them) or own. There are a few Thai's who head to Pai thinking that since all the Westerns go there it must be “trendy”. And when you are there, you get about as much of a feel for Thai culture as you would watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's rock-opera remake of “The King and I”. The only thing more annoying then the town are the smelly dreadlocked hippies with hot shorts and halter tops wandering around and saying things like “Thailand, man, it's like such a trip... I can like totally feel my inner consciousness and aura bleeding out. Hey, let's hit that theme coffee house back there.”

So you can imagine my horror when getting off the bus (three hours from Mae Hong Son, my hometown) of being told among the hippies at the travel agency who wanted to “experience Laos” (doesn't anyone just GO anywhere anymore?) that there were no seats on the Mae Sai-Pai bus.

Well, actually there was one. But I couldn't ditch my housemate Sabrina, could I?

Turns out I could. After I told her three times to take the ticket, I ran back and bought it for myself using the thin justification that my visa was about to run out the next day and she had about three more days (a choice which saved me 500 baht, as it turns out.) I just couldn't stand the idea of a night in Pai. The last time we stayed in Pai we had to share an overpriced freezing cabin. Once the blankets got warm it was okay until the hippies came back and started blasting Coldplay and Dave Matthews while playing along on the guitar. (Where did they even GET the stupid guitars? I was shoving books down my pants to get around the weight limit.)

Anyway, my car left at 10PM. I did the math in my head. Six hours there, six back, and one hour in Pai. For those of you with a college degree that is thirteen hours. If I was leaving at 10, then I should get back at 11, twelve at the latest-- right? I checked with the women and she told me that the bus got back at four or five.

Say what?

She pulled out a map and showed me that the trip to Chiang Khong (a border town on Laos) was about eight hours away. That's great, I told her, but I wasn't going to Laos, I was going to Mae Sai, which was SIX hours away. She agreed with me, it was six hours, but FIRST the bus was going to Chiang Khong, and then swung back to Mae Sai to get there at around 7 in the morning. And of course at this point there was nothing to be done.

I wasn't upset about the time, I was actually more worried about the 4 o'clock arrival time. The last bus out of this layer of Hell called Pai was at 4. Would I miss the bus? A quick conference with the driver and the woman turned back with a smile and told be that sometimes the bus was late. The Mae Hong Son bus, I asked? That didn't make me feel better. No, she said, the Mae Sai bus. Maybe it would be back at four, and I could get my other bus, and then smiled as if everything was okay. I hate Pai. And now it looked like I might have to spend another night there after all.

With this new deadline in place, I personally did a hippie round-up and herded everyone onto the van and we left two minutes early. Not much can be said about the bus except that it was freezing. The brousure for the visa-run “express” advertised an “air-conditioned van” but unfortunatly this was not a plus in Thailand during the cold season. And the bus was naturally air-conditioned-- there was no heat. Mae Sot was looking better and better every minute.

My body was numb by the time we got to Chiang Khong. Although I wasn't technically a customer of the establishment that we stopped at to drop the Laos “experiencers” off, I decided that no one needed to know that and took advantage of their offer of free coffee and breakfast. Free coffee, anyway, but the water heater was empty. I poured the rest of my water into the thing and started to warm it up. As soon as I did this, the hippie scum started to spoon instant coffee into cups and stood around the maker. I chased them away with my empty water bottle and told them to go find their own damn hot water. I made no friends on that trip.

We finally got to the border, and I had a private talk with each of the riders begging them to return on time. I made it sound like there was 30 starving refugees waiting with tears in their eyes for my return, and even a slight delay would get them hauled off to participate in unspeakable forced labour. (In truth, they would have been tickled to find that I was stuck in Pai and they had no class.) They agreed (I am sure that I had an unpleasant nickname at this point) and we all went off to get a new stamp.

I decided that since I was there, I may as well go into Burma. If you are reading this and still planning on making the trip, (just don't use aYa!) then I recommend that you give Burma a miss and instead head up the hill to check out the impressive temples. There was one that I didn't have time to go to which was on top of a hill and gives a great view (so the guidebook tells me) of Burma and Mae Sai. Burma, on the other hand, isn't really that impressive although it does feel different. The people were more... buzzy. It was like they all had spent the morning drinking coffee. I don't know if that was because I had just been in a car for the last ten hours and was experiencing a bit of culture shock. Burma pointedly drives on the right (a jab to Britain, who used to colonize them) and also sets their clock 30 minutes ahead of Thailand, for reasons that I don't know. To get to Burma I had to surrender my passport and they printed out a temporary passport with the scariest picture of myself that I have ever seen. I really hope that they don't keep that stuff on record.

Everyone was on time, thank God, and by 8:30 we were off. The trip back was uneventful, except that I got sick on the trip and everyone hated me so much by that time that I had to beg three times for a tissue. I swear that the driver was trying to make me throw up-- he seemed to be pumping the accelerator in time with the music. I had taken a ton of seasickness pills but they were practically placebos. I hate third world medicine.

I got back to Pai at 2:30 and ran into Sabrina a few minutes later, and I gave her a few tips (wear all your clothes, grab the front seat as soon as the Laos people leave, bring your own water for coffee, etc) and we sat to wait for the 4:00 bus, which was thirty minutes late. By 9 o'clock I was back in my room at Ban Nai Soi, cuddled up with a cat and a book and another 30 days before I have to go through this BS again.